What to Do When Your Partner Is Angry
A Trauma-Informed Perspective on Emotional Safety, Anger, and Self-Respect
Introduction
“What do I do when my partner is angry?”
This is exactly what I used to Google when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
I grew up within Indian Punjabi cultural traditions where relationships are often treated as sacred, private, and something to preserve at all costs. Both of our parents knew about our relationship, and I felt an invisible pressure to keep the peace, no matter how much it cost me.
What I couldn’t tell anyone was that my partner had sudden, unpredictable outbursts of anger.
When Anger Turns Into Control
One day, we were supposed to go out with friends. My partner tore my blouse because it was “too revealing” according to his standards. In that moment, I felt ashamed, small, and worthless.
Shortly after, he began crying.
So I did what many women are conditioned to do — I suppressed my pain and comforted him so he wouldn’t feel bad.
The truth is, I was the one who had been disrespected.
I was the one who deserved an apology.
Making his emotional needs more important than my own was the greatest betrayal of my own heart.
Isolation, Gaslighting, and Self-Blame
I became isolated and silent. I couldn’t share what was happening.
Like many emotionally abusive dynamics, I was slowly discouraged from spending time with friends and family. I pretended everything was fine. I became the “good Indian girl” — the one who didn’t complain, didn’t speak up, and endured mistreatment quietly.
His mother and sisters convinced me that I was the problem.
They told me that if I were more emotionally intelligent, I would simply ignore his anger. I internalized this message and began believing I was failing as a woman. The shame was overwhelming.
So I searched for solutions.
I Googled:
“What to do when my partner gets angry?”
What I didn’t ask was:
Do I feel emotionally and physically safe?
Am I happy?
Is this the kind of partner I want long-term?
Choosing the Relationship Over My Nervous System
Saving the relationship felt more important than my safety.
No one had taught me that I was allowed to have standards before dating someone.
Eventually, the relationship ended when he cheated on me — and paradoxically, that betrayal opened my eyes. I finally saw the truth.
I chose myself.
I began therapy.
I started my healing journey.
Your Partner’s Anger Is Not Your Responsibility
Your partner may struggle with anger — but it is not your job to regulate it for them.
Anger is highly activating to the nervous system. When someone raises their voice, intimidates, controls, or explodes emotionally, the body interprets it as danger.
For me, anger felt like:
Shrinking
Contracting
Anxiety
Feeling unsafe in my own body
Over time, this leads to chronic stress, hypervigilance, anxiety, and disconnection from yourself.
Being shouted at is not love.
It is emotionally harmful.
What to Do When Your Partner Is Angry
If you are asking this question, here are your realistic options:
1. Name the behavior
Clearly communicate that shouting, intimidation, or emotional outbursts are not acceptable.
2. Watch actions, not promises
Change is proven through consistent behavior — not apologies, tears, or words.
3. Seek couples counselling
Only if both partners take responsibility and show willingness to change.
4. Encourage individual therapy
Anger regulation is an internal process. You cannot heal someone for them.
If none of these lead to sustained change, you are left with two choices:
Accept the behavior and its impact on your mental and physical health
Or leave, grieve the relationship, and heal in therapy
Neither option is easy — but one leads to emotional safety, growth, and future healthy love.
Trust Yourself
Many emotionally abusive partners wear a convincing mask in public. Friends, colleagues, and even family may never see who they are behind closed doors.
Do not let anyone convince you that you are “too sensitive,” “dramatic,” or the problem.
I believe you.
I see you.
You deserve a partner who speaks to you with respect — even during conflict.
You deserve emotional safety.
Your health is not negotiable.
Ask yourself honestly:
What is the cost of staying?
Life is a gift. You are given free will every day. Love never asks you to abandon yourself.
Start Your Healing Journey
If you are ready to choose yourself and begin healing, you don’t have to do it alone.
Book a free 15-minute intro call to explore therapy support and take the first step toward emotional safety and self-respect.
Disclaimer
This blog reflects personal lived experience and professional perspective. It is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. Please use your own discernment and seek professional support when needed.
