Why Do I Feel Like a Failure After Divorce — and How Do I Heal?
Both in my personal and professional experience, I have seen the impact of shame come up as a result of abuse or heartbreak.
How the hell did we get here?
Something is seriously wrong with me?
Even this relationship did not go well?
I am so embarrassed?
I feel horrible!
Am I a failure ?
My parents must be so ashamed of me?
My friends who are successful in love must be laughing at me.
All these horrible thoughts were racing through my mind.
It’s this invisible armour of sheer disgust that wants you to curl into a ball and disappear from Earth…… I said Hello to ice cream and binge-eating Love Is Blind on repeat.
These voices in our head convince us that we are the problem, and it deeply impacts our self-value and self-worth. According to someone else’s opinion, we decide to hide
When Shame Took Over My Life
After a narcissistic breakup in 2022, I personally did not leave my room. I was so ashamed of myself. Thanks to Uber Eats and Netflix, I wasn’t ready to face the world.
My Indian parents did not take this breakup well, which further perpetuated shame. This is not to blame my parents for my feelings, but in my mind I had let them down. Indian culture had instilled this belief deeply, and they themselves had been carrying generational shame for years.
I felt like the biggest failure and I isolated myself. It got really bad.
In those dark days, I found myself asking deeper questions:
What really matters?
Is this what life is?
I felt alone and defeated. Thoughts like people are laughing at me or spitting on my face for leaving a physically abusive relationship flooded my mind. Shame pushed everyone away.
It felt like someone needed to call the shame police and get me the fuck out of the prison I had created for myself — a prison built entirely on other people’s opinions.
As Taylor Swift said in The Prophecy:
“Please, who do I have to speak with to change this prophecy?”
Fighting Invisible Monsters
Invisible monsters were dragging me down. These motherfuckers had the audacity to convince me I was small.
For fuck’s sake, I am a good fucking person.
I realized I didn’t need my parents’ or society’s opinions defining my worth. Listening to others had made me shrink. The old Jasleen — the one who cared too much about what everyone thought — was dying.And honestly, where did that version of me get me? Nowhere.
Falling in Love With Myself
The new Jasleen fell in love with herself.
Meditation saved my life. I connected with the mysterious force inside of me. Beneath the shame, there was my heart — a heart I had never truly listened to.
I remember buying a ring for myself and marrying myself in my own mind. I promised that I would always put myself first and stop living according to other people’s opinions.
Sitting With Shame Instead of Running From It
Shame is a complex emotion. It quietly enters when we go unconscious and makes us feel out of control.
I used to try controlling it with overeating. But one day, I decided to sit with shame instead of escaping it.
Sooner or later, you have to face yourself.
It was uncomfortable. My sleep was off. Everything felt heavy. But slowly, the discomfort passed and my nervous system settled again.
If someone had told me earlier to allow my emotions instead of forcing myself to feel positive, I would have done it sooner.
But everything works out perfectly in its own time.
You Can Start Over — Even at 99
You can start over at 99.
Love yourself and face shame head-on. Do not let shame overpower you.
Who cares if you are single? Celebrate that.
We make mistakes in love so we can master it. In the end, love always wins. One day or another, you will figure it out.
But it starts with you.
If This Story Felt Personal to You
If you saw yourself somewhere in these words, please know that shame is not proof that something is wrong with you. Often, it is a sign that you survived something your nervous system is still trying to understand.
Healing from abuse or heartbreak is not about becoming positive overnight. It is about slowly learning that your story did not end when the relationship ended.
You don’t have to carry shame alone. Sometimes healing begins simply by speaking out loud what you have been silently holding inside.
If you feel ready, I invite you to reach out. We can explore your story at your pace, in a space where nothing about you needs to be hidden or fixed.
Your healing is allowed to take up space.
