Why Can’t I Stop Missing My Abusive Ex?

It was 2 AM and I was listening to Taylor Swift’s song The Prophecy. I related to that song. Why would I dream about a man who was responsible for my panic attacks?

My logical brain told me that I was a desperate loser and a piece of shit. On paper, it didn’t make any bloody sense why I would miss someone who had literally hit me physically and still managed to lie and cheat. As if the isolation was not enough.

The Pain That Feels Like It Will Never End

This pain feels like it will never go away. It just amazes me how my ex moved on with a blink of an eye and I am endlessly crying. Am I such a weak woman that I can’t get over this heartbreak?

What is wrong with me? I mean, I knew I had daddy issues, but I never realized that it would affect my life on this level.

Two years of crying every day and having nightmares was not enough… I saw him in public with another girl doing the things that he forbade me to do.

Why was it so difficult to move on?

The Truth I Didn’t Want to Face

The truth that took me 104 hours of Therapy, reading every book on heartbreak, listening to countless self help gurus, attending meditation retreats, isolating and even going through counselling school was that I had 0 self love.

The biggest plot twist of my life.

I hated myself.

I mean total hate.

I hated being single.

I was the abuse that I was running away from.

Running away from my own thoughts.

The Conditions I Put on Loving Myself

When I lose weight then I will love myself.

When I will find the perfect partner then I will love myself.

When I will have success, then my parents will love me.

When I have a lot of cool friends then I will be loved.

When I will eat the perfect diet, then I will love myself.

When my dark circles will be gone, then I will love myself.

When my student loan will be paid, then I will be love myself.

On and on the list went.

Just never fucking enough.

Growing Up Sikh But Never Feeling God

I was born in a Sikh family and was always told to read and listen to religious texts.

Just to earn approval.

Never really experienced God.

Till now I have read about God a lot.

But I heard him one night.

“Let me heal you, just relax.”

I always slept with clenched hands.

I live alone and hearing someone so neutral and loving amazed me.

Of course it scared me.

But I felt taken care of after so many meditations where I saw/heard nothing.

The deep labour of closing my eyes and begging for happiness.

It was all worth it.

One Breakup Can Change Everything

One breakup could lead you to experience god in real time.

I dont have the words to explain to you.

But I was a different person after that night.

I have no idea what to tell you but the pain will feel familiar and addictive.

Do you have the veracity to stop the abuse?

It all starts with YOU.